case study 002 - entry 01: takatora kureshima

[heavenlydecree]

It's strange to think I almost had a little brother, who wouldn't have wanted me at all. He would have stayed with his friends and his other version of me, regardless of what had happened. I would have never been good enough for him, because I could never give him what he wanted. Instead, I would have to suffer through looks of disdain and half-hearted affections here and there that he would never really mean. I would be lied to and I would have fed on it out of some desperate desire for him to love me. I think about it sometimes, how different things would have been if he had stayed, but I know he always would have ended up hating me in the end.

Instead, I'm left without him. I suppose that's a fair price to pay. It's better to not know something's value and not be distracted by it's loss. It's easier just to have never had something in the first place, but I'm haunted from time to time knowing how close I was. I don't know why any part of me keeps any sort of hope. I know that isn't what would have happened. I can fantasize about it all I want, but that's all it will ever be. I'm not sure I'll ever get to see him, in any capacity.

It feels pathetic to lament over something so strongly. I suppose I'm far more softhearted than I give myself credit for. It's a weakness I don't like admitting to.

I don't wish to give my company to anyone, but I can tell from the others here that it's difficult to live a life completely disconnected from others. I'm not sure there's a way I can ever truly be happy. Nothing I want is here and the only interactions I have are with people who would rather stab me in the back than be my friend. They could pretend at first, yes, but things always end the same. No one ever means what they say. Loyalty, despite being held in such high regard, is not something honored by the class of people I come from. It seems strangely reserved for street trash, at this point.

I wouldn't mind someone's company, here and again. Unfortunately, I'm not sure my pride will allow me to be in anyone's presence that I cannot trust. I'd be unable to relax, but the thought of staying alone and cutting the rest of the world off entirely doesn't seem like a favorable option either. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I miss him, despite never having him. When did I ever become like this?