amanogawa | case study 001 - entry 01: tatsumori yamada

None of it seemed real. Maybe nothing had ever happened. Maybe everything had been some story made up in his mind while he'd been unconscious. A world like that was so fanciful, Yamada was almost jealous that he would never be able to come up with something like that on his own. Maybe details had been skewed. He had a tendency to romanticize things or fluff the truth out so it would make life seem more interesting. If a writer could best supply the world with something they'd experienced on their own, then the best option was simply to base their writing on personal experiences.

It was how he had ended up writing the story that he felt might have gotten him into so much trouble: the story of a parallel life and a girl who had fallen in love with her teacher. The girl who was quiet and shy and stayed in the background, unnoticed by those around her. No one would ever give her a second look and somehow she'd fallen for the man who could hold all the attention in a room simply by walking in. How was it possible that someone like her could ever end up with someone like him, who was adored by everyone and idolized by her peers?

To write about himself in that sort of situation or infer it was a male student in love with his teacher would be obscene. He was above such things. At least this way, he could simply brush it aside and claim it was merely a writer's work, if anyone happened to corner him about it.

That fixation had led him to trouble. A man who was too difficult to contact and far out of reach had pushed Yamada towards another man. Yamada recognized it now for what it had been: a desperate grab at companionship when there was no one else he could confide in, with a man who resembled the one he admired more than anyone else. A writer could lie to themselves easily and make up stories and excuses until they believed it. Yamada had always been good at that, with the way his family treated him. To survive from one day to the next, it was easier to pretend his parents loved him and cared for him in their own way and that they were just too busy being involved with their own lives.

It wasn't true, but Yamada had trained himself to live a life of lies. It was how he had ended up involved with that man. None of it was what he wanted. Time and time again, he was abused, threatened, and mistreated. Fighting back only resulted in more injury. Once, he'd been tied down to the man's bed and had nearly broken his wrists while trying to get out of his restraints. The man thrived on Yamada's humiliation, forcing him to be submissive and disguising his actions under the idea of being in a healthy Dominant and submissive relationship that was anything but.

Eventually, Yamada had surrendered more than he had ever wanted to. Yamada was sure he began to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome at one point out of a desperation for someone wanting him, even if he was vastly mistreated. The thought of being alone drove him crazy, but the more time spent around the man made him feel worse. Yamada only stayed because he could lie to himself and convince himself that it was what he wanted, since it kept someone close to him. The man had his moments, few and rare, where Yamada could have almost believed the man genuinely cared for him. Yamada knew better than to believe it. The man was only looking out for himself, chiding Yamada on multiple occasions for knowing the type of man he would become involved with.

It wasn't true, really. Little of it had been voluntary and most of it had started from the man's threats to kill Yamada if he would ever try to run away or tell anyone about them. After awhile, he wasn't sure if dying was a worse alternative to what he was suffering through.

Lying in the hospital bed, Yamada tapped his fingers together and stared at the ceiling, trying to make sense of what had happened. He couldn't remember details about anything. All of his memories of the man were fuzzy for now. He couldn't even remember how he'd ended up in the hospital. The last thing he could remember was the man biting his neck -- the man who had a few delusions of his own, one of which being that he was a vampire. He could remember thinking for a few days beforehand how he would try to run away from everyone, to a distant part of Japan where no one would know who he was, if it was the only way he could somehow be happy.

Part of him wanted to cry, but it would take too much energy. He'd woken up from a coma the day before, the board near his bed had listed the current date along with his school photo, a few pictures of his home and school, a photo of his parents, and a few sheets from his writings. The date was seven months after the last time he could remember being awake. At least seven months, as Yamada couldn't remember the exact dates before his memory went blank. The board was an attempt to re-associate him with the world upon his awakening, in case he had forgotten who he was.

Unfortunately, Yamada remembered everything. Looking at the board only brought that sinking feeling back, as there were no photos adorning the board of him with friends or photos someone else had taken of him outside of a professional setting. It made him realize how alone he had been and how alone he continued to be.

He'd dreamed of another world, with an ideal society he had dreamed of before. The school he had been exchanged to shortly before everything that had happened had been his kingdom and he had been its King. He had ruled with the support of his people, helping them to achieve their dreams and goals and punishing those who went up against him. The power he'd had to rule had been given to him by the man he admired, who had unbending faith in him to do the right thing and achieve the goals of the group he worked for. While everything had ended up falling apart in the end, it was a world Yamada wished he would have been able to return to. In that world, he had at least been blessed with power.

Why did he have to remember anything about who he was? Why couldn't his story have been one of the man who wakes up with no idea of his past life and after a few months of lamenting his loss, moves on and is able to be happy without being haunted by the past?

He had never been blessed with good luck.

In the time spent with the man, his muse had left him. Yamada's time had been too focused on trying to make him happy, while sacrificing his own wants and needs in a desperate attempt to keep him close. Now, with a man who had been so possessive and abusive, Yamada had no idea where he had gone or if he would ever come back. It was as though he'd simply delayed a nightmare.

His thoughts drifted back to the options he'd entertained months before: perhaps it would be easier if he weren't around at all. His stomach twisted at the thought.

If he had no choice but to return to that world, Yamada couldn't be sure it was a bad option.